I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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