I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
