the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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