Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
