Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
