Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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