i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
