i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
