my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
love makes seman taste better
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
