he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
