Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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