I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
