I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
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