How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
