me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
