The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
