okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
