In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
