I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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