I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
