I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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