It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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