im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Randomize
