I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
i've created a new STD.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
