theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
