Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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