checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
