Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
