My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Randomize
