So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
