Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
You're like the curious george of whores
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
