I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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