i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
