Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
