I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
