so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
