anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
