I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
