you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
