Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
