I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
There r osticjed everywhere
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
