Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
and she was petting her beer can
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
