I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
