My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
