He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
