i dedicated my morning wood to you.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
