WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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