If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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