I will die if light touches me.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
