my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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